1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 – I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Are you a communist? Do you read? Do you think? You are a communist! Report to Homeland Security now!
I clicked ‘humor’ in the categories but I don’t see anything funny about this. I see huge amounts of money redirected to fund this deluded man and his unnecessary war.
Methinks it’s the Pharma drugs.
All puns intended, of course.
Sept 13, 2022
Posh British supermarkets Waitrose and Marks & Spencer have been forced to beef up their security staff… to save their bacon.
It seems the upmarket chains were losing ‘thousands of pounds worth of stock’ every week thanks to hamburglars beating it with their meat. Shoplifting is hardly a new problem, says town manager Robyn Bunyan (who did not mince his words). It was hardly rare before but has been well done in recent months due to lax policing and emboldened criminals, with coppers not having time to grill their suspects. But most of all it’s because of soaring prices bringing out the wurst in people. Quite literally, the steaks have never been higher.
I guess you could say the guards are on a steak out.
I say, let’s quarantine all the vaccinated!