After a thorough examination by a team of top-notch doctors, I was recently given some very disturbing news… I was diagnosed with an acute case of stage 4 platonic celebriphilia. In case you don’t know, celebriphilia is a disease where the afflicted have an abnormal and overwhelming adoration of celebrity.
My medical team, which includes Dr Phil, Dr Drew and Dr Oz, tells me that the symptoms of celebriphilia include feeling a false sense of familiarity and intimacy with celebrities which leads to the afflicted projecting an inordinate amount of inappropriate intelligence, wisdom and expertise upon celebrities.
My celebriphilia first manifested itself a few years ago when Academy Award-winning actress Gwyneth Paltrow created her “lifestyle brand” Goop. Through Goop, Gwyneth sold new-age, alternative therapies and devices at exorbitant prices, including “vaginal eggs” that were meant to be inserted into the vagina in order to aid “hormonal balance, and feminine energy.”
After re-mortgaging my home in order to finance the purchase, I bought a dozen vaginal eggs from Gwyneth. Now if you are wondering why I would buy vaginal eggs whose miracle powers were debunked in a lawsuit, especially since I don’t have a vagina, then you obviously do not have celebriphilia.
The way I see it is this: if I had a vagina, I would trust my friend Gwyneth to tell me (and sell me) the right wonder egg to stick into it in order to cure whatever ails me. If I’m going to trust anyone regarding my non-existent vagina, you can bet your bottom dollar it would be the woman who played Pepper Potts in the ‘Iron Man’ movies… that alone makes her an authority in vaginacology.
The same is true of anti-vaccination proponent Jenny McCarthy. Jenny is a TV host and former Playboy model, which is the celebrity equivalent of being a PhD in immunology, which is why I faithfully obey her when she orders me not to vaccinate my kids because they could get autism.
Suzanne Somers starred on ‘Three’s Company’ 40 years ago, which is equal to getting a master’s degree in bio-genetic engineering, and so when, contrary to mainstream medical opinion, she claims that “bio-identical hormone therapy” is the fountain of youth… I trust in Suzanne’s knowledge and wisdom.
You may think my celebriphilia is so severe I need to take some medication to temper it… well… you’d be wrong. Kirstie Alley and her Scientology lord and savior, Tom Cruise, have informed me that psychiatry is a “quack” science and psychiatric drugs are dangerous. Kirstie was on ‘Cheers,’ where everybody knows your name… and Tom Cruise is… well… TOM CRUISE! So they definitely know what they’re talking about and I trust their expertise implicitly and will remain untreated, thank you very much.
My celebriphilia isn’t limited to just medical questions. The infection has spread to my thoughts on foreign policy and politics too. Thanks to celebriphilia, I now blindly trust in Hollywood to tell me what to think. When Hollywood churns out star-studded, pro-war, pro-empire propaganda films and TV shows that have their scripts controlled by the Pentagon in exchange for military equipment, personnel, access and budgetary relief, I absorb the indoctrination unquestioningly.
We celebriphiliacs only get our news from rebellious comedians like John Oliver, Bill Maher and Stephen Colbert, and believe in every establishment talking point they sell us. I wholeheartedly put my faith in these second-rate hack comedians desperate to stay in the good graces of their corporate overlords to tell me the unvarnished truth.
As a celebriphiliac, I get all my insights regarding Russia from Rob Reiner, who is an expert because he played Meathead on the 1970’s sitcom ‘All in the Family.’ When Meathead tells me that we are at war with Russia because they stole our election in 2016, I treat his anti-Russian proclamations with all the respect it deserves.
To get my political opinions, I go to all the top experts… Robert DeNiro, Matt Damon, Bruce Willis, Brie Larson, Alec Baldwin, Tim Allen, Angelina Jolie, James Woods, Chris Evans and George Clooney. Sometimes these experts have conflicting opinions on political matters, like maybe Bruce Willis and Alec Baldwin disagree on tax policy, or Tim Allen and Chris Evans have opposing thoughts on immigration. In order to resolve these deeply troubling quagmires, I do the logical thing and choose what I believe by siding with the celebrity who has the most Twitter followers.
Luckily for me, I am not alone in being afflicted with celebriphilia, as it is a raging epidemic in America. Here in the US we adore our celebrities so much we actually vote them into high office. In the last 40 years alone, we have elected a senile, bad B-movie actor, Ronald Reagan, and a silver-spooned, D-list reality TV con-man, Donald Trump, to the presidency.
In my state of California, the epicenter of the celebriphilia epidemic, we have elected a sex-abusing, steroid-injecting, movie star, Arnold Schwarzenegger, to two terms in the governor’s mansion; and the city of Carmel-by-the-Sea elected Dirty Harry himself, Clint Eastwood, to be mayor 25 years before he berated an empty chair at the RNC convention in 2012.
We American celebriphiliacs not only forgave these men for their shortcomings, we also imbued them with a wisdom, competency and expertise they did not possess, all because of their status as celebrities.
You may think that because I suffer from celebriphilia and treat celebrities like experts on things well outside their skillset, that I am insane. If the definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results,” then considering the level of corruption, incompetence and malevolence on display by “real” establishment experts in government, Wall Street, Big Pharma and the media over the years, be it in regards to 9-11, WMDs and the Iraq war, the housing bubble and ensuing 2008 economic collapse, the 2016 election, Russiagate and the opioid epidemic, then listening to, believing in, or trusting in these “official” experts is equally as insane as buying vaginal wonder eggs from Iron Man’s wife, Pepper Potts.
The bottom line is this: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I have seen other people play them on TV, and I am a certified celebriphiliac, which I think qualifies me to make a formal diagnosis of what ails celebrity-obsessed, and expert-addled America. After careful study and deep thought, I have come to this conclusion: contrary to popular opinion, America is not losing its mind… just like me, it has already lost it.