Despite the seriousness of a courtroom and everything that happens in it, this place also produces hilarious (unintentional) comedy. Charles M. Sevilla has compiled some of the funniest exchanges from justice halls between defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, and released a book called Disorder in the Court.
From witnesses taking questions literally, to lawyers formulating paradoxes instead of questions, these dialogues really happened and they’re just too good to not face the judgment of the internet. Scroll down to enjoy this priceless list and vote for your favorite entries!
More info: Amazon
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
LAWYER: Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–
WITNESS: Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
LAWYER: What happened then?
WITNESS: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
LAWYER: Did he kill you?
LAWYER: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
OTHER LAWYER: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
LAWYER: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
WITNESS: I only have one, you know.
LAWYER: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
LAWYER: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
WITNESS: Yes, sir.
LAWYER: What did she say?
WITNESS: ‘What disco am I at?’
LAWYER: Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?
WITNESS: No. He was wearing a mask.
LAWYER: What was he wearing under the mask?
WITNESS: Er…his face.
LAWYER: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
WITNESS: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
LAWYER: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
LAWYER: And these stairs, did they go up also?
LAWYER: Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
WITNESS: The victim lived.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
LAWYER: What is your brother-in-law’s name?
LAWYER: What’s his first name?
WITNESS: I can’t remember.
LAWYER: He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?
WITNESS: No. I tell you, I’m too excited. (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!
LAWYER: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
LAWYER: Are you married?
WITNESS: No, I’m divorced.
LAWYER: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
WITNESS: A lot of things I didn’t know about.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
LAWYER: Were you acquainted with the deceased?
WITNESS: Yes sir.
LAWYER: Before or after he died?
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.